


Made In America

by arcanesupernova



Series: Always Have Been, Always Will Be - A Series of One-Shots [5]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pining, Violence, Wigglymania affects us all, not graphic violence though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 07:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23347645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanesupernova/pseuds/arcanesupernova
Summary: What were Ted, Bill and Charlotte doing at Lakeside Mall anyway?
Relationships: Charlotte/Ted (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals)
Series: Always Have Been, Always Will Be - A Series of One-Shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099445
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	Made In America

There were a lot of things Ted wanted to do, most of them not feasible and a lot of them products of an overactive imagination as a kid, but this was more than that. This was a need.

It was the only fathomable reason he was standing in line at Toy Zone at seven am on Thanksgiving morning. There was this… thing. This Wiggly toy that everyone seemed to be losing their minds over and that was just what he needed if he ever wanted Charlotte to leave that piece of shit husband of hers. One look at that adorable plushie… thing would tell her all she needed to know about the lengths Ted was willing to go to for her. He just had to get his hands on one. That’s all he needed to do. Just one Wiggly to seal her affection for the end of time.

When he arrived at the Lakeside Mall, he was taken aback to find at least fifteen people in line ahead of him. Still, this was all a part of it. He’d gotten word that there would be at least five hundred dolls brought to store that night and twenty people wouldn’t be able to buy out all the damn things. So he let out a sigh but resigned himself to standing around doing nothing. To pass the time he’d brought his phone, three different fully charged battery blocks and two packs of cigarettes. Quitting was one of those things he’d remember idly that he wanted to do every time he saw the price tag next to his brand of choice. He’d never admit that he only kept the nasty habit because it meant he could get time with Charlotte during smoke breaks. At the rate he was going though, the cigarettes were going to put him in a grave long before Charlotte ever left Sam.

The first hour passed without incident, Ted spending most of his time scrolling through Reddit. After at least five different holiday feast pictures, Ted’s grumbling stomach reminded him that he had forgotten to bring food with him. The line had grown behind him, meaning leaving and coming back just wasn’t an option if he still wanted to have a chance at getting this damn Wiggly toy.

By the time night fell, Ted’s stomach’s growling was deafening and he found he wasn’t able to ignore it anymore so he took to his phone to scroll through his contacts in search of someone he could call on for food. Paul wasn’t doing anything but hanging out with his stupid girlfriend for Thanksgiving, so he wouldn’t answer. Charlotte was obviously out if he wanted to keep his surprise alive, not to mention she was having some kind of ill-advised couples-giving with Sam. His thumb scrolled past Bill’s name and almost kept going until he remembered the argument he’d overheard before he left work on Wednesday.

* * *

_“Goddammit, Lenore. Alice is supposed to be at my house this weekend,” Bill had fumed into the receiver. He was doing his best to keep his phone call private, but when it came to Alice, his frustration and irritation were hard to mask. “Look, I have all this food to make for dinner, I’ll come get her tonight so I can at least spend some time with my own damn- No Lenore, you listen to me. Alice is my daughter. You can come pick her up in the afternoon, but you’re not taking her away from me so you and Jeffery can have a nice- No I don’t care what he thinks!”_

* * *

Ted called him up, surprised that he answered on the third ring. In another moment of genius, he remembered Bill trying to get a Wiggly for Alice and offered to hold a spot for him if Bill brought him something to eat. Bill considered for a moment but quickly agreed. He showed up at the mall in record time, offering Ted warm leftovers as he slipped into the line with him.

The night went by surprisingly quickly, despite the chill in the air and the morose company. Bill explained, in excruciating detail, what a Wiggly would mean for his relationship with Alice. It had come up in an argument with her mother that Alice wished she could live with her father and Bill was going to do whatever it took to give her what she wanted. Ted did the bare minimum to support his friend, nodding at the right times, chiming in to say what a bitch Lenore was being but was caught off guard when Bill finally asked what Ted was doing there. Ted faltered, trying to pass it off as wanting a Wiggly to sell. Bill seemed to accept the answer, until pointing out that most of the scalpers had gotten in on the preorders done online. Ted remained silent on the matter. Most people knew that Ted chased Charlotte incessantly, but if he told Bill it was for her, it would just come across as desperate.

The store was due to open at seven and the hour leading up to it seemed to screech to a halt. Ted was exhausted by then, but the adrenaline of it almost being time was enough to hit him with his third second-wind. Further up the line, a blond woman he vaguely recognized as Linda Monroe was pulling out her wallet to buy a spot in line and as much as Ted wanted to join the protest against, he knew he couldn’t say anything about it. Another line cutter pushed his way past them, going up to the hot redhead leading the protest against Linda. Everyone seemed to recognize the two, as they started gossiping amongst themselves. The drama was enough to kill the last ten minutes before the door opened and as the owner guided them in the most flashy manner imaginable, Ted was surprised to see that the entire line uniformly lined up at the counter for a Wiggly. Bill and Ted were the last to squeeze into the building, much to the delight of Ted’s frozen extremities.

“Would you like them gift wrapped?” the manager asked, metaphorical dollar signs in his eyes as he regarded the man at the beginning of the line.

“-He can’t buy all the dolls!” Linda’s voice rang out above the din of chatty customers, their excitement quickly turning into outrage.

“Hey! What’s going on up there!”

“I think someone’s tryin’ to buy all the dolls!”

“I better get one!”

Much to Ted’s relief, the manager saw sense in the eyes of Linda’s attorney and regulated it to one per customer. This still seemed to outrage Linda, but Ted didn’t care. One doll was all Ted needed and he was going to get one even if he had to pry it out of the cold, dead hands of some creepy basement troll. A bidding war started next, the manager taking to the proposition immediately, the dollar signs back in his eyes again.

“This ain’t right!” a man exclaimed, jumping out of line to rile up the people in the back, “I lost my job when the plant closed! I can’t afford, three- five hundred dollars for a doll! A Wiggly is $49.95!”

“Sorry pal, the price just went up,” the manager sneered, “Supply and demand is a wonderful thing! Whoever pays the most for a Wiggly, gets a Wiggly.”

“Well if you’re not gonna sell me that doll, then I guess I’m just gonna have to take it!” The man rushed to the counter, grabbing the doll out of the manager’s hand.

In the blink of the eye, the store erupted into chaos. The doll passed through so many hands that Ted couldn’t keep track of it. He saw Bill lunge for the counter, barreling over it to get one of the dolls still left in the back room. Ted followed him in, only to be trampled over by the first round of people who followed their train of thought. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to get a doll if he was dead, Ted crawled over to the corner of the storeroom and watched in horror as every last Wiggly was snatched up in front of him. When the crowd finally dispersed, Ted spotted Bill in the corner. He pulled himself to his feet, limping across the room to find Bill empty-handed.

“Son of bitch,” Ted swore, sliding down the wall next to him. “You alright Bill?”

“I’ve been better,” Bill admitted, “What about you? They must have thought you were a welcome mat the way they trampled in over you.”

“Look, as long as I get a doll, I’ll be fine,” Ted grimaced, feeling around for the worst of his wounds. His back was sore, and his knee felt like it was going to give out at any moment, but he would be fine. “Come on, let’s just go, alright? We have to find a Wiggly.”

Bill pulled Ted to his feet and they snuck through the store to head back out to the parking lot. There had to be someone out there that had a doll. They searched through the cars, looking for anyone carrying that green little bundle of love.

“Bill, they must have gone through the mall. There’s nothing out here,” Ted fumed, kicking the tire of the closest car only to set off the car’s alarm. “I need to find a fucking doll, alright? I need one.”

“A-Alright, Ted, let’s go,” Bill relented. The two stormed back into the mall, their eyes trained for any glimpse of green. Ducking into a restaurant, they found a man and a woman tucked behind the bar, clutching one of those beautiful dolls.

“H-Hey there guys, what are you doing in here?” Ted asked politely, never once taking his eyes off the doll clutched in the woman’s arms.

“This place doesn’t even open until noon,” Bill remarked as if they were just having an amicable conversation.

“Yeah, you guys should just get out of here, alright?” Ted smiled down at them, extending out a hand to the woman. She eyed him hesitantly but took his hand. “Bill, why don’t you take care of him?” Ted said softly before turning a sinister grin to the woman. He pulled her into his arms, trying his best to wrestle the doll out of her grasp while he had her caught off guard. Bill picked up a salt shaker and started attacking the man with her.

Ted would spend the rest of his life trying to explain why he and Bill did what they did, but when the dust finally settled, they each had a Wiggly of their own. Bill stared down at the lifeless faces on the ground, opting to drape a tablecloth over them. Ted pulled out his phone, thrilled to finally have his hands on the damn doll he’d been waiting hours for. He called Charlotte, ignoring the part of his brain that was telling him she wouldn’t answer, that she was probably with Sam and wouldn’t have any interest in talking to him right now. Things were different now. Ted had a Wiggly and now he could finally trade it for Charlotte’s undying adoration.

Trill… Trill… Trill…

“Ted?” Charlotte shouted over loud ruckus when she finally picked up. “Ted, what is it?”

“Charlotte, I need you to come down to the mall, okay? Just tell Sam-”

“Ted!”

“Listen, just tell Sam you need to go out for a minute, this will only take a minute.”

“Ted, I’m already at Lakeside,” she told him through the phone. Ted finally recognized the sounds of chaos in the background of the line.

“Char, Char where are you? Tell me where you are and I’ll come find you, alright?” Ted pleaded, dropping the Wiggly to run a hand through his hair.

“I-I’m by the food court,” she told him, before letting out a scream and the line going dead. Ted stared in horror at the phone for a moment, only coming to when Bill shook his arm and handed him his Wiggly.

“W-We have to find Charlotte,” Ted said numbly, tucking the doll in his coat before zipping it up. Bill followed his lead and the two left the restaurant.

* * *

The food court looked like a war zone. Unturned tables littered the floor and unmoving bodies were scattered around them. Ted’s heart stopped at the sight, imagining every single one of them to be Charlotte. He moved to tear through the center of the food court, desperate to find her, only to be stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Ted, we have to be calm about this, alright?” Bill rationalized with him. “She’s here somewhere, but we have what they want so storming in there is a suicide mission, alright?”

“I have to- I have to find her, Bill,” Ted told him, his chest heaving.

“We will, Ted. We will,” Bill assured him, scanning the room for anyone looking remotely like Charlotte. “So Charlotte, huh?”

“Y-Yeah, what of it?” Ted snapped back at him.

“I’m just surprised, I guess,” Bill shrugged, “I mean, I suppose I shouldn’t be. We’ve all seen you two in the office. I take it the Wiggly is for her?”

Ted stopped in his place, bowing his head and staring at the blood staining his shoes. “If she sees what I’m willing to go through for this, she’ll finally see that I’m better for her than Sam. I could treat her better.”

“You really think that’ll work?” Bill asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I mean, I have to try, right?”

Bill opened his mouth to speak, but a scream rang out, interrupting him. Ted bolted for the source with Bill hot on his heels. They found a lawyer and homeless man attacking a woman, one that was decidedly not Charlotte. Ted and Bill intervened, throwing the two back and chasing them off as they helped her to her feet. She explained that they thought she possessed a doll, despite not even having been in the mall for shopping. She worked at one of the clothing outlets and Ted and Bill urged her to get out of the mall. She hugged them both, noticing the odd lump in their coats before taking off the way they’d come in.

“Charlotte!” Ted shouted, his frustration getting the best of him. “Charlotte, are you in here?”

“Ted!” Bill hissed, covering his friend’s mouth before he could draw any more attention to them.

“Listen, Bill, if you don’t want to find her, you can just leave, alright?” Ted snapped, jerking himself out of Bill’s grasp. “Charlotte! Where are you?”

“Ted?” a familiar mousy voice called out hoarsely.

“Charlotte!” 

Crawling out from under a table came Charlotte, looking terrified but alright. Ted pulled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her desperately. 

“Ted… what’s that?” Charlotte asked curiously, poking the misshapen lump in his jacket.

“Not here, Charlotte,” Ted told her, readjusting his Wiggly before taking her hand, “We have to get out of here, okay? Then I’ll tell you.”

“Is it a Wiggly, Ted?” Charlotte asked, her eyes glazing over as she stared at the lump. “Did you find me a Wiggly?”

“Shh, yes,” he admitted, looking around for anyone who could have heard him. “It’s okay, I’ll give it to you when we get out of here, alright? It’s all yours.”

“Ted, I want it now,” she demanded, extending a hand out expectantly. Ted sighed and withdrew the toy from his jacket. Charlotte snatched it out of his grasp hungrily, her eyes working over the plush toy as if to verify its legitimacy. 

“There, can we go now?” Ted asked, reaching for her hand. A devilish grin distorted her usually meek features leaving Ted to watch in horror as she turned on her heel and took off in the opposite direction, spouting something about a ‘mother’.

“Charlotte?” Ted called after her, moving to chase after her again only to be stopped again by Bill’s firm grasp on his shoulder. “Goddammit Bill, I’m going after her.” Not waiting for Bill to argue, Ted wrenched out of his friend’s grasp and followed her.

His mission was clear: Find Charlotte, get her the hell out of here and then figure out what in the hell her problem was. Bill had disappeared on him but much to his surprise, he reappeared moments later. The lump in his coat had vanished, giving Ted all the explanation he needed. Ted had lost sight of Charlotte, but Bill had seen her disappear back into Toy Zone. They found Linda Monroe there, standing over the manager with his sole employee cowering next to him. Linda approached them, brandishing a box cutter as she interrogated them. Frank wasn’t scared of her it seemed as he bucked up at her only for her to slit his throat before turning to the employee. They spotted Charlotte off to the side, her hair ruffled and her eyes red. Most noticeably, she was Wiggly-less.

“What do we do?” Bill whispered. They had ducked behind a sales rack, watching the proceedings in horror as Linda lectured her followers. A security guard emerged from the back carrying a tape, holding it high and announcing he knew the location of the last Wiggly in the building.

“Sally forth!” Linda exclaimed with demented glee, “Bring me the child!”

Ted turned to look at Bill only to find the lawyer they had seen attacking people earlier bearing down on before everything went dark.

* * *

Ted woke with a start when a flame licked his hand. Linda Monroe lay dead before him, a single gunshot denting her forehead. People were fleeing the store, while most of Linda’s followers fought over a Wiggly. Ted spotted Charlotte amongst the crazed masses, not quite participating in the battle for Wiggly but she wasn’t fleeing and her eyes seemed locked on the doll. Ted lunged for her, pulling her away from the encroaching fire. He pulled her tight into his embrace, kissing the top of her head fervently before looking down at her. Her face was covered in soot as she looked up at him with a look of confusion, almost like she didn’t even know who he was. He pulled his tie up to her face and tried to wipe away what he could off her with little result until she blinked finally and recognition lit up her face.

“T-Ted?” she asked hoarsely as she brought her hands up to his face. “Ted, what are you- Where are we?”

“We have to get out of here, Charlotte,” Ted told her, letting her go for a moment to find Bill. “It’s not safe here, I think the mall’s on fire.”

With Bill on his feet, the three fled the mall. They barely made it out of the front door as the door frame fell at their heels. They watched the mall crumble before them for a moment, Ted pulling Charlotte in closer. She pulled away just far enough to meet his gaze and opened her mouth to speak when Paul’s voice rang out from behind them.

“Somebody nuked Moscow! The news was saying it might be World War III… until the news went out,” he was hurriedly telling a man in a red flannel. Ted wouldn’t dare approach upon recognizing Emma but the realization that something terrible had happened was enough to get his feet moving toward the group. Paul greeted him as an old friend as a small child walked between them, looking up at them.

“If we can survive today, we can survive anything,” the man in the flannel declared, staring into his watch. Ted took Charlotte’s hand and moved closer to the group, the feeling of solidarity in this time of crisis too good to resist. Whatever she had wanted to say, it didn't matter. He knew.

“Five…”

“Four…”

“Three…”

“Two… One”

And everything went dark.


End file.
